Betrayal

original posting:  1 September 2007

Repeating in my head... betrayal
Why the fuck did i bother with you? We all begin so flawed... and you were going for the high score. I could not save you. You cannot even save yourself. So what is the answer? Of course, how could I be so blind? Just continue on, as if nothing happened. That should have been obvious. And add to the enormous pile of emotional trauma that you admittedly cannot even get rid of. I suppose my confusion comes from the hell I get for trying to forget you. From acting like I don't know you. Like you asked me to. But I guess that makes me a bad guy.
And you, you fucking bitch. You don't deserve it. You are hollow, cold and miserable. You never were, with me... but it doesn't even matter. You are so utterly, completely... lost. I laugh with my friends, the ones who know you. Yes, your life, how you live... we laugh at it. You might realize it one day. If you had any concept of honor, you would probably kill youself to prevent even more corruption of your soul. A heart that shriveled and worthless... is it even worth the bother? I cannot even hide my complete... utter... digust. I wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire. And I muse about how you can contradict youself with every fucking lie that drops from your mouth... and yet you act as if your 'word' is so precious. You change from day to day. And I wonder how it is to be so blind to yourself. A few people can dislike someone who is awesome. Isn't awesome how so many seem to just not like you at all. Well... accept for the ones that just want to fuck you. Most people call those people players, jerks, assholes and creeps. The last time I checked, you called those people 'friends.' They say misery loves company. HA HA. You must never have a fucking minute alone.
And you. You and your fucking silver tounge. I know, I can blame myself for believing you. But for what? What is the purpose. And you laugh at me? I shake my head. You are such a fuckstick. Everyone, no matter who they are, could care less about you. But they will lay with you alright. And that is about it. I have a well honed blade waiting for you. Come to me again. You will find the edge very keen. And I bet you will mistake my smiling face for joy at seeing you again. Oh sure, but for a wholly different reason that I think you will realize.
I could say something here about you... but you have redeeming qualities. Sometimes. You act like you give a shit. Half the time, it seems like you love me. But when it counts, and where it would matter... you fail. You fail so fucking miserably. You have pushed me almost too far. Almost. I might give you a chance. Might. In the end, nothing you can say or do will matter. I will let the road you have traveled be the road you walk on. No rescue here. I have always been your hero. The one and only person who picks up the pieces and never leaves. I feel like going for a walk today.