original posting: 29 December 2007
Let's talk about regret. Let me take that back a little.
Let ME talk about MY regret.
When it always begins, there is a moment, a space in time, where you consider what someone is telling you, or asking you, or hoping of you where you have to make a decision. Should I or shouldn't I? Can I or can I not? I am sure you can draw all the same conclusions about the positive or negative sides of answering any of these questions.
So what can you do to answer those questions? You can think about their honesty. True. You can think about their character. True. How about their past? How about their past with you? But wait a minute... am I saying that you should judge someone in the now by the things they have done in their past? Yes.
You see... we cannot escape two things in this life. One is inevitable... the other is ourselves. We will never, as people, especially these days, escape who we are. We are no longer honorable, caring, giving or honest. Everything that everyone does is for themselves. Leading someone on? Who gives a shit. Crush after you have had your fill. Promising love and care? Pass your time by and then move on. They will get over it. Convincing someone you are a good thing and slathering promises of tomorrow? Lie like you could care less and move on to someone else.
This is such a beautiful world. It is even more beautiful when you realize that you are the only one still playing by the rules. Being honest? Giving your heart when it is asked for? Allowing yourself to be vulnerable? Treating someone like they matter and being respectful? I wish I could come back with some sort of zen master phrase or response about things leveling out. Truth is... I can't.
Regret. Regret is realizing that I am the only reason that I keep getting treated the way I do. I have gotten so much shit about how I am such a hardass, such a heartless bastard and how I could care less about anyone else in this world... and go figure, as soon as I start being the golden boy... I hear nothing but snide remarks and shit talking behind my back.
So excuse me if I tell you to go fuck yourself... whoever you happen to be.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Unleashed
original posting: 19 October 2007
it isn't as if he is locked up anymore. his smile, so devilish, usually comes unbidden but never unwelcomed. we shake hands occasionally. a few pats on the back. i have accepted his existence, just as he has excepted my weakness.
he had plenty do say. he still speaks to me now. he asks questions. he demands answers. he doesn't want to believe. he doesn't want to forget. he wants control. he wants time. he wants...
i try to silence him. or maybe i just try to forget that he is given cause to be so loud. but the very reason he tolerates me is the very reason he rages. because of my weakness. for 'us' to exist, there needs to be balance. without my weakness to his strength, without my compromise to his unwavering hand... without my forgiveness to his razor's edge... 'we' would implode. 'we' would suffocate. 'we' would become nothing but a shell.
so i applaud him and his rage. he applauds me and my peace. together... we are paying much closer attention to you
it isn't as if he is locked up anymore. his smile, so devilish, usually comes unbidden but never unwelcomed. we shake hands occasionally. a few pats on the back. i have accepted his existence, just as he has excepted my weakness.
he had plenty do say. he still speaks to me now. he asks questions. he demands answers. he doesn't want to believe. he doesn't want to forget. he wants control. he wants time. he wants...
i try to silence him. or maybe i just try to forget that he is given cause to be so loud. but the very reason he tolerates me is the very reason he rages. because of my weakness. for 'us' to exist, there needs to be balance. without my weakness to his strength, without my compromise to his unwavering hand... without my forgiveness to his razor's edge... 'we' would implode. 'we' would suffocate. 'we' would become nothing but a shell.
so i applaud him and his rage. he applauds me and my peace. together... we are paying much closer attention to you
Never should have loved
original posting: 17 October 2007
I never should have loved you. Never. Such a rediculous notion... Love. I spit on love.
What is love but an excuse. An excuse to be hurt. An excuse to act like you care for no one else in the world but that one. An excuse to sever ties with those that may care more for you than that one person you seem focused on. What is love but another way to confuse and subvert all the good things you may experience in this life.
I loved you. I did. At first... I hated that I did. Because, I didn't want to. And what do I brag about? Never doing anything that i didn't want to. Never letting my emotions go anywhwere i don't want them to. And what happened. You. You didn't even treat me that well. I may have acted like you did. But i was blind. Like any fool that believes in love, i believed in you.
I spit at love. What did love do to me. It lied to me. It betrayed me. It fed me the pieces of my own broken heart. It turned everything i felt around and turned it into a black, terrible and worthless emotion. It treated me like i have never done anything other than what i did for myself. Who cares about this love. This black, dark and twisted emotion.
So i have rid myself of this pox. This palsey. This... love. I have replaced it with something pure. Something that can only be felt in one way. Something that will always give me exactly what i want, and expect. Something that will always return to me what i give to it. Hate. Why embrace something else, only to have it returned with pain in spades
I never should have loved you. Never. Such a rediculous notion... Love. I spit on love.
What is love but an excuse. An excuse to be hurt. An excuse to act like you care for no one else in the world but that one. An excuse to sever ties with those that may care more for you than that one person you seem focused on. What is love but another way to confuse and subvert all the good things you may experience in this life.
I loved you. I did. At first... I hated that I did. Because, I didn't want to. And what do I brag about? Never doing anything that i didn't want to. Never letting my emotions go anywhwere i don't want them to. And what happened. You. You didn't even treat me that well. I may have acted like you did. But i was blind. Like any fool that believes in love, i believed in you.
I spit at love. What did love do to me. It lied to me. It betrayed me. It fed me the pieces of my own broken heart. It turned everything i felt around and turned it into a black, terrible and worthless emotion. It treated me like i have never done anything other than what i did for myself. Who cares about this love. This black, dark and twisted emotion.
So i have rid myself of this pox. This palsey. This... love. I have replaced it with something pure. Something that can only be felt in one way. Something that will always give me exactly what i want, and expect. Something that will always return to me what i give to it. Hate. Why embrace something else, only to have it returned with pain in spades
Betrayal
original posting: 1 September 2007
Repeating in my head... betrayal
Why the fuck did i bother with you? We all begin so flawed... and you were going for the high score. I could not save you. You cannot even save yourself. So what is the answer? Of course, how could I be so blind? Just continue on, as if nothing happened. That should have been obvious. And add to the enormous pile of emotional trauma that you admittedly cannot even get rid of. I suppose my confusion comes from the hell I get for trying to forget you. From acting like I don't know you. Like you asked me to. But I guess that makes me a bad guy.
And you, you fucking bitch. You don't deserve it. You are hollow, cold and miserable. You never were, with me... but it doesn't even matter. You are so utterly, completely... lost. I laugh with my friends, the ones who know you. Yes, your life, how you live... we laugh at it. You might realize it one day. If you had any concept of honor, you would probably kill youself to prevent even more corruption of your soul. A heart that shriveled and worthless... is it even worth the bother? I cannot even hide my complete... utter... digust. I wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire. And I muse about how you can contradict youself with every fucking lie that drops from your mouth... and yet you act as if your 'word' is so precious. You change from day to day. And I wonder how it is to be so blind to yourself. A few people can dislike someone who is awesome. Isn't awesome how so many seem to just not like you at all. Well... accept for the ones that just want to fuck you. Most people call those people players, jerks, assholes and creeps. The last time I checked, you called those people 'friends.' They say misery loves company. HA HA. You must never have a fucking minute alone.
And you. You and your fucking silver tounge. I know, I can blame myself for believing you. But for what? What is the purpose. And you laugh at me? I shake my head. You are such a fuckstick. Everyone, no matter who they are, could care less about you. But they will lay with you alright. And that is about it. I have a well honed blade waiting for you. Come to me again. You will find the edge very keen. And I bet you will mistake my smiling face for joy at seeing you again. Oh sure, but for a wholly different reason that I think you will realize.
I could say something here about you... but you have redeeming qualities. Sometimes. You act like you give a shit. Half the time, it seems like you love me. But when it counts, and where it would matter... you fail. You fail so fucking miserably. You have pushed me almost too far. Almost. I might give you a chance. Might. In the end, nothing you can say or do will matter. I will let the road you have traveled be the road you walk on. No rescue here. I have always been your hero. The one and only person who picks up the pieces and never leaves. I feel like going for a walk today.
Repeating in my head... betrayal
Why the fuck did i bother with you? We all begin so flawed... and you were going for the high score. I could not save you. You cannot even save yourself. So what is the answer? Of course, how could I be so blind? Just continue on, as if nothing happened. That should have been obvious. And add to the enormous pile of emotional trauma that you admittedly cannot even get rid of. I suppose my confusion comes from the hell I get for trying to forget you. From acting like I don't know you. Like you asked me to. But I guess that makes me a bad guy.
And you, you fucking bitch. You don't deserve it. You are hollow, cold and miserable. You never were, with me... but it doesn't even matter. You are so utterly, completely... lost. I laugh with my friends, the ones who know you. Yes, your life, how you live... we laugh at it. You might realize it one day. If you had any concept of honor, you would probably kill youself to prevent even more corruption of your soul. A heart that shriveled and worthless... is it even worth the bother? I cannot even hide my complete... utter... digust. I wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire. And I muse about how you can contradict youself with every fucking lie that drops from your mouth... and yet you act as if your 'word' is so precious. You change from day to day. And I wonder how it is to be so blind to yourself. A few people can dislike someone who is awesome. Isn't awesome how so many seem to just not like you at all. Well... accept for the ones that just want to fuck you. Most people call those people players, jerks, assholes and creeps. The last time I checked, you called those people 'friends.' They say misery loves company. HA HA. You must never have a fucking minute alone.
And you. You and your fucking silver tounge. I know, I can blame myself for believing you. But for what? What is the purpose. And you laugh at me? I shake my head. You are such a fuckstick. Everyone, no matter who they are, could care less about you. But they will lay with you alright. And that is about it. I have a well honed blade waiting for you. Come to me again. You will find the edge very keen. And I bet you will mistake my smiling face for joy at seeing you again. Oh sure, but for a wholly different reason that I think you will realize.
I could say something here about you... but you have redeeming qualities. Sometimes. You act like you give a shit. Half the time, it seems like you love me. But when it counts, and where it would matter... you fail. You fail so fucking miserably. You have pushed me almost too far. Almost. I might give you a chance. Might. In the end, nothing you can say or do will matter. I will let the road you have traveled be the road you walk on. No rescue here. I have always been your hero. The one and only person who picks up the pieces and never leaves. I feel like going for a walk today.
Selfishness and Poor Decisions
original posting: 1 July 2007
What is it about this day and age the breeds people who only care about themselves? Everything they do is selfish, self centered and self concerned. Why? There was a time, in this culture, where your friend or confidant was worth something. People held onto each other because they had value. Life was lived… love was embraced and joy was had by all that could find it. Where did this mentality go? Somewhere between now and then everything that had been based on the generation before it has been lost. Nowadays, it is not only acceptable but expected that your friends will betray you, that you will be sold out at any given point, that no one holds to their word, that lovers will cheat on you and that no one really cares.
And I love this part… people that actually do care… that actually follow through with their words? Honest and faithful? Ha… fuckin right. They get treated like shit, taken advantaged of and used because they don't have the common sense to know that people that value all that just DON'T EXIST. Better start learning to be a user, a player and an asshole. Because guess what… chicks dig that shit. They want you to walk all over their fucking heart. They want you to treat them like they are worthless. Don't worry. You cannot go wrong. Because they will be your savior. They will "find the good in you". Might as well put up that nice guy schtick. As they say… you will never get laid being a nice guy.
Fucking amazing. Isn't it. So now you have these people, living these hollow, empty lives, whose only happiness comes from the next sexual escapade, the next shot of heroin, that next line of cocaine or that next high. There is no plan for the future. There are no morals to base families on. There is just the useless living.
I muse sometimes about these people. Endless unfulfilling relationships that go nowhere, or you foolishly believe will. These 'hot mamas' who are nothing but club whores getting pregnant. Every child wants that when they grow up. To have a mother who goes clubbing with them. There is a place where you are supposed to grow up. There is a place where you are supposed to start acting like you are an adult. But no, everyone skips this part of their life and strives to remain as adolescent and juvenile for as long as possible. Maybe there is a foolish belief that if they never grow up then everything will be exciting. Yeah, really fucking exciting. 38 with three hundred dollars in the bank and an 89 celica. You are a cool dude alright.
And these chicks that seem to be so fucking clueless about guys these days. Ok… if it is expected that guys are going to be these pieces of shit that just use you… why do you keep going after the same type of guys? Just to get laid? Alright… I can accept that but just admit you are a slut then. Don't lie to yourself, because you are definitely not lying to me when you think you are more than you are… just another piece of ass for the next guy looking for his flavor of the week. Don't spin your bullshit sob stories and woe is me crying fits that the guy you helped cheat on his wife really is an asshole and you didn't see it coming. He was so great. You know what… go fuck yourself. The reality is you are probably just going to go get with someone else… BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU DO. There is no moment where you go… oh.. yeah… the only constant in the misery that keeps coming up in my life and relationships is… oh wait.. me. Maybe if instead of opening your legs next time open your mind and see that the guys you choose are guys that are going to use you. You are the problem. You are the reason you are so fucked up. Accept it. Or don't… because quite frankly I don't give a shit.
And another thing… what is the deal with only wanting to be with one type of guy. Yeah… I can be all fucking selective and say… " I only date girls with waist high, auburn hair, with blue eyes, bronze skin and who weigh between 124-133 pounds. Turns out my soul mate is all that but 134. Damn.. my dumbass just missed out on a lifetime of happiness because I am spoiled prick. Oh well… bring on the heartbreakers. So when Mr. Wrong number 327 is on his way out the door, maybe "urban black male with gold teeth" is not what you need in your life. Chugging fortays and spittin rhymes when you are forty… yeah, try to look at that chump and not laugh. But hey… rock it. Live it. Because obviously you can't see that dysfunction rhymes with your dumb ass.
Whatever. I don't actually care anymore. Because you know why? My happy ass won't have to deal with your dumb ass forever… but you are going to have to deal with yourself and your bad decisions, terrible choices in men, mental and emotional baggage for the rest of your life. And when you are no longer the piece of ass that everyone wants and when you are so jaded that you can't even enjoy life anymore… I will still be sipping margaritas on cruise number 45 with the close friends that I have hidden away from the world. And maybe by then you will open your eyes and see what a waste your life has been. But don't come find me. I might just laugh at you. I don't want your drama… but maybe I can write a funny rant about it.
He was dead when I got there
original posting: 12 Feb 2007
It is amazing what can change one's perspective
It is as if one day you are looking through rose colored glasses, or maybe green or blue
The next, everything is washed in black, burnt in the fires of rage
Where once there was so much hope, now is only the remains of a shattered dream
Behind the smile, I feel nothing. I reached out to touch, returned with venom
The pain of caring, so much less a reward than that hollow, a gift from the void
Why would you point the finger? Your hands have long been stained with blood
Is it really the light that blinds? A curse then, to walk an eternal sun
Judge me? Please. Your words are as the water in a river, passing over a rock
Love me? Really. Better to ask for blood from a frozen stone
Want me? Sure. I would sooner desire my own damnation
Need me? Why. Stay alone as I find comfort in the walls around my heart
I did try with you. You betray those who wish i would
I did love you. You betray those who chance i could
I did trust you. You betray those who need the truth of my calm
I did embrace you. You betray those who need my defense
Spare me the tears and the lament, "I wish I could find..."
Spare me the litany, "Why can't I just..." or the chorus, "Will I ever..."
When you realize what you have been missing all this time, right in front of you
When you glimpse the unthinkable and desire that true passion, loyalty and love
Spare me your curses, your frail hope and desperate attempts to hold the ghost
I will be dead when you get there. Behind the smile... there is nothing.
It is amazing what can change one's perspective
It is as if one day you are looking through rose colored glasses, or maybe green or blue
The next, everything is washed in black, burnt in the fires of rage
Where once there was so much hope, now is only the remains of a shattered dream
Behind the smile, I feel nothing. I reached out to touch, returned with venom
The pain of caring, so much less a reward than that hollow, a gift from the void
Why would you point the finger? Your hands have long been stained with blood
Is it really the light that blinds? A curse then, to walk an eternal sun
Judge me? Please. Your words are as the water in a river, passing over a rock
Love me? Really. Better to ask for blood from a frozen stone
Want me? Sure. I would sooner desire my own damnation
Need me? Why. Stay alone as I find comfort in the walls around my heart
I did try with you. You betray those who wish i would
I did love you. You betray those who chance i could
I did trust you. You betray those who need the truth of my calm
I did embrace you. You betray those who need my defense
Spare me the tears and the lament, "I wish I could find..."
Spare me the litany, "Why can't I just..." or the chorus, "Will I ever..."
When you realize what you have been missing all this time, right in front of you
When you glimpse the unthinkable and desire that true passion, loyalty and love
Spare me your curses, your frail hope and desperate attempts to hold the ghost
I will be dead when you get there. Behind the smile... there is nothing.
A Taste of Everything
Originally posted: June 15, 2006
life is life. in the end everything is just life. life is pain. life is happiness. life will bring you everything that will make you laugh and everything that will make you cry. life will give you everything that your heart desires and life will take it all away. Just when you seem you cannot get any lower life will do something that will give you just enough hope to go on.
i know this better than most. my life has been filled with loss and pain. but it has also been filled with so much joy and happiness. amazingly, it always seems to be in equal amounts. just as soon as i reach an extremely happy point in my life, darkness follows. just when i seem to be so down that i cannot see the light of day, someone just shows up, tells me something that erases my pain, and i smile again. Then again, there are very few people that have this wonderful ability to just lift my spirits.
What does one do when there is no way to numb the pain. What does one do when hope has faded away. What can be said or what can be done to fix something like that. I guess that is my real question. When nothing that anyone says can help, how do you try to just mellow until that one person clears the sky?
Why do we hurt those we love? Is it because we think they will always be there no matter what happens? Is that why we push them to the side when something comes up? Because we know that they really care and will still be there when the pieces fall? That is we never let them totally close, we never have to fear that they will go away? The fatal flaw, I believe, in this thought, is that sometimes, that causes the very thing that you fear to become true.
life does a great job of putting people into our lives. whether or not they decide to stay, walk away or embrace you is another choice. sure, we could always go with what we know would be awesome... but sometimes because we are not thinking like anything else but a hormone driven teenager or a reckless youth... we make bad choice. i am just as guilty of this as anyone else. sometimes we make choices we don't even know we will regret. sometimes we pass up chances we will never get again. my father once told me that you never know who exactly is going to come and go in your life... that is why you should always embrace what is right in front of you instead of some dream that may or may not happen.
sometimes we put people too close to our hearts. sometimes we allow people to hurt us. sometimes we set ourselves up for heartbreak. it really does suck when you realize that a person will not longer be the person you either thought they were or allow to be anymore. no matter whose feelings you are trying to spare, or what you are trying to preserve, you can sometimes be the only thing that is causing your own pain. we are sometimes, our own worse enemy, and sometimes we are the only reason we are unhappy. sometimes, doing what we want for right now is not doing what we will want later in life. again, as my father once told me... you will not know until it is too late.
we all make choices. choices. what a strange thing. you never know how they will turn out. they either become something that you are proud of or something that makes your put gunmetal to the temple.
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